Graduating

As I was reading Bobos in Paradise, I couldn't help but keep thinking of the song "La Vie Boheme" from the musical Rent. If you haven't ever seen Rent, you should. Its an excellent musical written by a man who was dying from AIDs. The following video is from the film version of Rent. Some of the lyrics are difficult to understand, so click here if you want to read along as you listen.

Every part of the lyrics echoes how David Brooks describes Bohemia in Bobos in Paradise. The passion of Bohemia is why many aspiring actors and actresses pack up and move to New York. However, they quickly find out that rent in New York is expensive, acting jobs are few and far between, and they have to make enough money to pay for rent and bills and groceries.

I suppose the college dream would be to graduate and get an awesome job that pays well and is enjoyable and to enjoy life. That's the life described in Bobos. But how realistic is that? To be honest, I'm not sure.

I have a week and a half before I officially finish my undergraduate career. Its exciting. But, at the same time, I can't help but look back and realize how much I didn't do and how much I didn't learn. I could have majored in something that required me to study my ass off (pardon my language please). I could have gone to a university in which I could have spent all my time studying just my chosen topic and become a better master of whatever I chose. I could have applied myself more at this university. I could have taken more design or acting classes. I could have double majored. I could have been more involved in community off campus. 

Honestly, this doesn't feel like a very positive look back at my college experience. There are so many things that I could have done differently. But I wonder if it would have made a difference. Would I really have learned so much more? Or would it all have gone in one ear, stuck in my brain long enough for a test, and gone out the other ear like much of the information presented to me has? 

I believe I have come to the following conclusions about college:

1. People should really know what they want to do in life before going off to college. That way, they know they are going to school for the right topic and won't have to change their major.

2. Some people perhaps do just fine with full credit semesters. People like me, however, should probably stick with part-time status. That way, we could actually learn everything we need to learn to continue in a career in our given area of study.

3. When you get to the end and realize you have regrets, stop. Look back at what you've accomplished. You have a degree, which puts you in the top 57% of people who enter college, according to MSN. If you were only in school for four years, you are one of 37% of college students who finish a four-year degree in four years. If you're the first person in your family to either go to college or actually graduate from college, take pride! Chances are, you've achieved a lot, despite any regrets you may have. 

4. Real life is nothing like college life. You have to work to pay the bills and to live. You don't have to turn in assignments for just a grade - if you have a job with assignments, you have to turn them in for a paycheck (or even to keep the job). Finding a job is harder than it may seem. But just remember that it is okay to work at a minimum wage job for the experience. It is also okay to hold a minimum wage job until something better presents itself. That way, you can have the financial stability needed in America to survive while looking for a job that would be your career.

With these conclusions, I feel a little better about my college career. I know now that its a bad idea to do too many things at once. I know that I learn best when I'm given the opportunity to either use what I learn in a hands-on experience or continuously think about a text or topic. I know I'm the first person in my family to graduate from a four-year university (not to mention with distinction). And I know that I have grown as a person, and am continuing to grow.

The Meaning of Art

Art.
Type "define art" into Google and you will see the following definitions:
1. The expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture.
2. Works produced by such skill and imagination.

Art is a small word for a huge concept. It covers dance, music, painting, sculpture, film, theatre, and many aspects of multimedia. I would even consider some literature to be art, such as poetry.

Throughout each of these mediums, there are multiple ways to interpret a piece of art. Some artworks are meant solely for entertainment purposes. Just look at popular films and much of the dance and theatre world. There is no deeper meaning. These pieces are to be enjoyed simply for the entertainment value. Here are a few pictures and videos of entertainment to enjoy here at the end of the semester.

This is a piece done on the television series So You Think You Can Dance. 

Here's a portrait someone painted:

How about some films we love?

Even video games could be considered art in my mind.

People may argue that things made for entertainment only are not art. However, think of the creativity and skill gone into making these works. The amount of creativity and skill surely makes it art. They may then argue that, if it is art, it has no purpose. I don't find this to be true. Entertaining arts exist to take people away from their everyday, mundane, sometimes depressing lives and put them in a world completely different. For some, its relaxation. For others, it's just a chance to get away. People may need a reason to come home from a bad day and watch a film like Ghostbusters or read a favorite book just to improve their mood.

Some works, however, have a concrete meaning that is easily noticed. Many works based on politics or religions are very easily interpreted to know their concrete meaning. A few films I've watched this semester could fall under this category. Waiting for Superman has a clear call to action to reform the public school systems of the United States. There's no arguing against that. The only thing left to be interpreted by the film's audience is what exactly that reforming action should be. Political cartoons are a popular form of art work with a concrete message.

As you know, and can see, political cartoons have been in use for quite some time.

Then there is the abstract category. Abstract art works have no clear meaning. The Qatsi trilogy is such a film. There is no plot. There are only images and music. The only clear aspect of these films is that the filmmaker had a clear vision for the films and has a clear bias. However, what that vision and bias specifically are remain unknown to the viewers.

The more I think about abstract art, the more I come to believe that the purpose of the abstract is to make its viewer think. The viewer makes his or her own meaning. What that viewer discovers about his or herself is what the purpose of the film is. When watching the Qatsi trilogy, viewers may feel nothing. What does that say about them? Viewers may feel a need to change their entire way of life. Does that mean they have a guilty conscience or does that mean they feel a need to change the world? The final resting place of a viewer's brain is what the meaning and purpose of an abstract piece of work becomes to that viewer.

It seems interesting to me that an artist, with definite bias (no one can be completely without bias), can create a work of art without telling its audience what they should think or what they should do. I wonder if they do so on purpose. Perhaps their moral compass says "who are you to tell others what they should think?" If that's the case, are the ones who use art to persuade morally corrupt? I don't think they are. But then again, who am I to know?

Personally, I thoroughly enjoy art for entertainment value the most. It's a way to get away from the chaos that is everyday life. However, every once in a while, I think it does good to sit and watch or read something that exists to express its creator's opinion. It may challenge or strengthen or change what I think and believe. And every once in a while, it's good to view abstract art and see where my brain takes me. That can strengthen or change a person as well. Maybe everyone should take time to view a piece of art that they normally wouldn't view just so that their horizons can be broadened.

“Eating, sleeping, raising children and making money: It's the human experience. Everybody can identify with it.” -Dean Young

Dean Young is an American poet. He was raised in an era in which the American dream was still alive. Today, however, the American dream has become an unrealistic icon for the majority of American people. However, the majority still strives for each of his "parts of the human experience."



A few weeks ago, I watched Waging a Living. I hoped that it would perhaps end happily (partially to give myself some hope for the future), and was disappointed. One of the four characters was able to move on and move up in society - and only after she found a nice man. The rest had positive moments, but the overall outcome was not one of great hope.

Many of the people I know at work go through the same trials that these characters went through. They work a minimum-wage job. They get bi-yearly raises based on their performances, but most don't work at this place long enough to start making enough to live comfortably. Most of them have food stamps, public housing assistance, and medicaid or medicare.

Then there are the people I know at school. Most of them believe they will be able to live a comfortable lifestyle on a low-paying job. They believe they'll be able to pay rent, bills (including electric, gas, cell phone, cable, and/or internet), car insurance, health insurance, and still be able to buy gas for their car, groceries, and new clothes. I used to be one of these people until I actually tried to start paying for even half of these.

I work over thirty hours a week (this week, I'm scheduled over 33). I make quite close to eight dollars an hour. I pay for my own electric bill, cable/internet bill, gas for my car, and groceries.

Here's some quick math:
If I make $200 each week, after taxes, that's $800 a month.
My rent is a very low $350. That leaves $450.
It wasn't very cold this winter, but my highest electric bill was around $150. That leaves me $300.
My internet bill was around $60 a month. That leaves $240.
Each time I fill up my car, its close to $50. I live near a bus line, but its not one of the main ones. I live too far away to walk (plus I'd most likely have to walk the interstate, which is illegal). I can usually go almost a week and a half before filling up. If I fill up only three times, that's $150. That leaves me $90 a month for food. Most people do not eat on $90 a month.
And that's not including car insurance, health insurance, or my phone bill.

Check out this page to see what the estimated living wage for Buncombe County would be. Keep in mind that rent for a 1-bedroom or studio apartment usually runs from $400-$1,000 in Buncombe County. Also keep in mind how much insurance and bills can cost.

Experiencing a low-wage job has certainly helped make my expectations of life more realistic. Maybe numbers will be enough to help others see the future more realistically.


Not only do many Americans struggle to pay bills, rent, and buy food, but they also struggle with house work, raising children, and keeping a stable relationship. Unequal Childhoods by Annette Lareau considers different families and how they raise their children. In her study, she found that many women do the majority of the work within the home. I was reminded of this recently when I was reading a magazine called Real Simple. Within this month's issue, there is an article called "Women and Time." The writers found that more than six in ten women say their spouses have the same or higher standards when it comes to household chores. Also, eight in ten women say their spouses have the same or higher standards when it comes to child care. Despite this, only one in five husbands share the housework with their wives. The main reasons women gave for this are the following:




1. "I enjoy doing things with my children."
2. "If I did less around the house, or with my kids, I'd feel like I wasn't taking care of it/them properly."
3. "I don't believe my partner would do the household chores the way I want them done."

This corresponds well with the findings in Unequal Childhoods, even though this magazine caters to middle-class or higher women. I have no simple remark or response to this information. It only makes me think hard about the way I may be forced to raise my children. It also makes me realize that if I'm going to get anything done around the house (chores-wise), I may have to break out of my perfectionist do-it-myself shell and ask my boyfriend for help. I know he has at least the same standards as I do in cleanliness and is more than willing to help. I just have to let him help.

Justice

I'll be the first to admit that I used to think highly of the criminal justice system. It made me feel like I had a safe place to live because all the "bad guys" were off the street. I thought that the people in prisons and jails were the ones who stole and murdered and all the other really bad things. I knew they had at least some sort of exercise time and had three meals a day. That was the extent of my knowledge.

I began questioning the criminal justice system when my loving boyfriend went to court for distribution of alcohol to a minor. The last day of court, we sat in the courtroom waiting for about five hours. The lady pressing charges never showed, and we left the room with court fines and he was sentenced to probation. As we were walking to meet the officer, we found out he had a warrant out for his arrest in a neighboring county for failure to comply with child support orders. So, they arrested him.

My first reaction was shock. Then I cried. Then I began trying to find out answers, such as when he would be out, when I could visit, if there was a bail that could be paid, etc. It was incredibly frustrating.

First place to look: the phone book. Turns out, you have to call the sheriff's office to communicate with anyone in charge at the jail. Once I figured out the right number (which took quite a few phone calls to figure out which was the right number), I had to call multiple times for information. I just kept thinking of questions. Sometimes, the person on the other end was patient and understanding in giving me the information I needed. Other times, they were rude and seemed like they could care less if I knew anything.

The second thought that occurred to me was that this might be a violation of parole. The rules are that, while on parole, you can't be arrested and you can't leave the county without prior permission from your parole officer. So, I found the number for the officer and called him, leaving a voice message that probably sounded frantic and emotional. He called back the next day and assured me that, since the warrant had been issued before parole had been sentenced, it would not affect the parole. Whew. That was a relief.

Then, I found out when the court hearing was for the child support case: it wasn't until two months after he had been arrested! Everyone had assured me that my boyfriend would only be in jail for about a month. I was so disappointed. The first visit I made was emotional and I cried after I left the jail. The next visit, I brought letters to give to him and they refused to take them. Angry, I asked if I could mail them. They gave me the address, and I immediately bought stamps. I supplied socks and underwear, because someone has to (by the way, they have to be in an unopened package and solid white).

Long story short, he was able to go to court earlier than planned and able to get out of jail earlier than planned. What I discovered, though, was that court systems are frustrating, getting information is close to impossible if you don't know what questions to ask, many people aren't willing to help, and that courts don't care that if you're in jail, you can't pay child support.

The good discoveries I found, I was grateful for. I had told his work the situation, and they marked him off for leave and were more than willing to take him back when he got out of jail. The parole officer is kind and patient and willing to work around his crazy work schedule.

These fortunes are apparently very rare.

When I looked at the syllabus at the beginning of the semester and saw that I was going to be presenting on Marked by Devah Pager, I laughed at the irony of being probably the only person in the class that had been fairly directly involved in the criminal justice system and being assigned a presentation on the criminal justice system.

When I was reading chapter one on the history of the criminal justice system, I saw each of her points on how the system is today to be very accurate and relevant. The minimum sentence for failure to pay child support is jail for a month. Since distribution of alcohol for a minor was a first-time offense to which the accuser didn't show up to court, my boyfriend was fortunate to be sentenced to parole. Parole was used as a search for irregularities (drug screening, random checks in at home, proof of employment, etc). The parole officer did laugh when he saw that the charge was for distribution of alcohol to a minor and made a comment to the affect of "When I was your age, we just got a slap on the wrist for that." Since parole is almost over, he's been more lenient on drug screenings. And, when he stopped by the house the other day, he said that he was so surprised to see us home that he wasn't even going to get out of the car.

Enough about real life though. Most ex-offenders don't have this luxury. They have problems finding work and have strict parole officers and rules. Thanks to the negative credential they get from being incarcerated, most are unwilling to hire them. There are a few reasons why employers are unwilling to hire them:

1. Selection. They believe that the kinds of people who wind up in prison don't really want to work, or don't have sufficient skills to find a job.
I personally believe that this varies on a person-to-person basis. Not all offenders don't want to work. Some of them can't find work or don't get paid enough at the job they do have, which can lead to breaking the law.


2. Transformation: The experience of prison changes inmates in ways that make them less suited for the formal labor market.
This I can say can happen. My boyfriend recollects having to act tough in jail so he would be left alone. Once he got out, though, he went back to his normal self. I think anyone can change based on the people they are around all the time. Think about someone you know that got around a different crowd of people and changed their personality and attitude.


3. Credentialing: The stigma of incarceration imposes barriers to finding employment.
Pager claims that American society in general values credentials, both positive and negative, as a basis for making decisions more than any other factor.


For much of the book, Pager talks about the issue of finding work for ex-offenders. She designed a study to test the reaction of employers to the credential of incarceration. In her study, she used four Milwaukee college students. Two were black, matched in age, appearance, and presentation. Two were white, as well matched in age, appearance, and presentation. In each pair, one person was assigned a criminal record per week. Each week, they switched who had the record. For the criminal record holder, the record claimed a felony drug conviction and eighteen months in prison.

The results were staggering. To spare the pain of going through percentages and numbers, I will simply say that going to prison dramatically reduces the chance of getting a job. If you are white with no record, you have a decent chance at getting a job. If you are black with no record, your chances of getting a job are actually lower than if you are white and have been to prison. Finally, if you are black and have been to prison, to put it in the simplest of terms, you're screwed.

While this is a devastating look at the stigma placed on those who go to prison, as well as the stigma placed on race, this isn't even the end of the sad news. Many of those in jails and prison are in there because of alcoholism, drug abuse, homelessness, and mental disabilities. The places they should be are places like rehabilitation centers, homeless shelters, and mental health clinics. However, these places that would most likely really help the people they are meant to help are losing funding every year while jails and prisons get increased funding.

My main question that is still bugging me after reading this book is how do we make this stop? Do we petition to put criminals in prison and everyone else in a place that will help? Do we combine prisons with services such as rehabilitation centers and mental health clinics? Or do we continue on the path that we are on - and what will happen if we do?

Speaking of rehabilitation clinics, if you haven't seen Sandra Bullock's 28 Days, you should. Here's the trailer:

Recap, Then Moving On

I'm back from spring break. Like most people, I'm probably not ready to be back from what little bit of free time I had, but then I remember how much time I actually have left in school. As of right now, I have approximately fifty-one days left until graduation. That's only ten days left of class. I figured I can hang in there for that many days.

To remind myself where I've been this year, I decided to look back at the different texts I've read (and documentaries I've watched) since January.

1. The Examined Life
When I watched this film, I remember reacting to each speaker in some way. I either agreed or disagreed with what they said. For some, I couldn't stand the way they spoke while, with others, their speaking style lead me along with their ideals, thus making the ideals make sense to me. I then realized that personality and writing styles affect the way I read a text. In general, this film made me start thinking about the way I view life.

2. Shame of the Nation
This book really upset my way of viewing the school system. However, it did not invite me to start thinking about how to change the way public schools are. 

3. Waiting for Superman

This documentary is also about the school systems in the United States. Unlike Kozol's Shame of the Nation, however, it made me want to take action. It made me want to home school any eventual children I may have. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were talking about school systems and I realize now that, since I watched this movie, I have yet again changed my mind about raising children. Public schools are important. I still think it's ridiculous to have to pay a tuition that is almost the amount people pay for college education in order for a child to go to a private school. However, I decided that public schools still have a chance. Some public schools are better than others. That's a point I believe most people agree with. I am now leaning more to sending my child to a decent public school and being involved in their learning as they grow up.

4. Creating Capabilities

This is a book that I would love to return to when I have plenty of time to digest what Nussbaum is saying. However, the parts that I read did make me think about human dignity, as well as about what elements of her central capabilities I see reinforced or denied everyday in myself and in others. 

5. Cosmopolitanism

Appiah is a prime example of being swept away by the personality and writing style of an author. As I read this, I found myself understanding his points and even agreeing with him in many instances. However, these lifestyle choices (such as living a cosmopolitan lifestyle) can be difficult to weave into everyday life. I remember when he spoke about understanding why certain people view certain behaviors one way while I may disagree. Unless this is in the forefront of your mind, it is much easier to have an emotion reaction than to stop and think about why someone may have done whatever you are reacting to. So, how do we entwine ideals of how to react and how to treat people into everyday interactions?

6. Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?

This was an interesting book for me. I actually found myself disagreeing with what was being said for the first time. Then, I realized that I disagreed more with Tatum's definition of racism than I did anything else. Once I realized that, I started seeing her point in many of her arguments. I agreed with many of Tatum's discussions on the development of people. I found myself thinking about how I view myself and why. It's really something that I have been thinking about for a while: who am I and how do I view myself? Can I change the things about myself that I don't like? These questions are ongoing.

7. Pedagogy of the Oppressed

Oh, Paulo Freire. How you make me and everyone else think. Seriously, though, this is an intense book full of information and invitations to think about how his theories can apply to real life. This is another book that I'd really like to revisit . . . just maybe not when I have too much on my plate. It's a book that takes a lot of time and concentration to get through. 

I believe that brings me up to this week. Tuesday, I watched the first part of Waging a Living. Honestly, from what I saw, I have no desire to watch the rest. I know what it feels like to get paid barely above minimum wage. I actually got angry that the people in the film complained about making eleven dollars an hour. Of course, then I realized that the standard price of living is higher where they live. However, I make less than eight dollars an hour at a job where I leave exhausted, greasy, and sweaty. I'm in a serious relationship with someone who makes barely more than I do and pays child support. Rent in Asheville for a one-bedroom apartment is rarely under $500 per month. I was lucky and found a trailer for $350 per month, but it's old, so my heating bill was well in the hundreds this winter. Working part-time for barely above minimum wage while going to school and trying to make sure I had enough money for rent and bills and groceries and gas meant little to no shopping money. So, unless this film takes a turn of direction and gives advice for getting a decent job and making a comfortable living, I already know how hard it is and don't need a film to tell me.

On a brighter note, I have begun reading Unequal Childhoods and am really enjoying it. Not only is it making me think about the way I was raised - in middle school, either Mom or my neighbor took me to school, then I rode the bus home, where I did homework before going to dance class (my brother also took dance and had similar hours as my classes) - but it's also making me consider how I want to raise my children eventually. From what I've read so far, I can certainly realize that there is no perfect way. I'm reading the chapter about Garrett right now. I certainly think that organized activities are fine, and even good, for children. However, I feel this family is too extreme. Two soccer teams, basketball, baseball, saxophone, and piano for one child? That's a lot. It's exhausting to the child, exhausting to the parents, and frustrating for the younger brothers who may not be as talented in sports. I was raised in a family that loved sports. However, they recognized that I excelled in arts and academics, so they didn't push me to play sports. This family seems to be pushing Spencer to play sports even though he isn't interested, and seem to not praise the fact that he excels in academics as much as they praise his older brother. 

With all things in life, there needs to be a balance. With children, I'm starting to get stronger in my opinion that there should be a healthy balance of school, extracurricular, and family time. When it comes to pushing a child in any direction, people should pay attention to what the child is interested in and excels in and encourage the child in that direction.

Freire and Google

I've started reading Paulo Freire's Pedagogy of the Oppressed. I'm sure many people would agree that it’s a dense book to get through, with many long, wordy sentences. I was so excited when I got through chapter one to see that I had already read chapter two for a previous class.

I took Theatre of the Oppressed with UNCA professor Lise Kloeppel last year. Theatre of the Oppressed is a form of theatre that deals with various real-life issues of oppression and finds ways to deal with them. One of the main forms I remember was called forum theatre. In forum theatre, some sort of action is played through. When the action is played through, members of the audience are invited to step into the role of one of the characters in order to try and change the outcome. Here's an example.

After this, one of the members of the audience steps into the role of either the student or the teacher (I can't remember which) and speaks directly to the principal.

To discover the beginning ideas for Augusto Boal's new form of theatre, we read chapter two of Freire's book. At the time, I skimmed through the reading and got minimal information from it due to the fact that the more I tried to read word for word, the more confused I felt. A year later, that information came rushing back to my memory with more clarity than ever.

The confused feeling I had was common with the one I had while reading the first chapter. And I discovered the same sort of clarity afterwards when I tried to explain the concept of the book to my boyfriend. I ranted to him about how confusing the reading was and explained everything that was said in the first chapter. His response? "Sounds like you understand it pretty well to me." Now, a few days later, I do understand. I may not be able to repeat Freire’s concepts with his terminology, but I can at least explain it to someone who's never heard of Pedagogy of the Oppressed.

According to Freire, oppression takes place through the dehumanization of a group of people by another group of people (who, in turn, are dehumanized because they are dehumanizing). It makes sense that the oppressed exist because of the oppressors. What many may forget is that the oppressors only exist because of the oppressed. In order to stop the cycle of oppression, the oppressed must realize that they are oppressed and work together to find how to end the cycle. They cannot end the cycle of oppression by becoming oppressors, however.


Then we jump to chapter two, which is about education. The banking method, which is mainly what is employed in the US's public schools, is the idea that the teacher knows everything and the students know nothing. The teacher's job is pour information and knowledge into the student's head and the student's job is to accept the information as fact. There is no encouragement to learn on your own. The picture above is one from Waiting for Superman, a documentary about the education system in the US. This film is yet another medium expressing why our education system isn't doing so well.

Fortunately, today, we have the internet. I can go online and search for practically anything. It’s no wonder students get frustrated when they can learn more from the internet than they can sitting in a classroom. If the education system would recognize this, perhaps something would change for the better.

For example, if a student were to read Freire and want more understanding before they spoke to someone about it, they could simply go to a search engine, like Google, and type in "Freire." With the technology we have today, Google can give suggestions of what else to put in the search engine. When I typed it in, I found that they offered Freire quotes, Freire summary, and Freire Charter School. Curious, I clicked on the charter school.

This school is located in the inner city of Philadelphia. It uses a lottery system, which is best explained in Waiting for Superman, in order to insure a fair admissions process. Looking around, it seems like this school has taken on some of Paulo Freire's concepts for education. The video on the website makes this school seem like it truly incorporates learning in a way that benefits the students in more ways than just test scores.

Thanks to the Google search engine, I can also find other blogs and such that discuss people's reactions to different materials. When I typed in "oppression," I found a blog by someone I've never met (and probably never will) that discusses the same exact kinds of topics we've been delving into in my senior colloquium class. Click here to check it out. 

Identity

As someone who is going to graduate in exactly 72 days, and being the first person in my entire family to graduate, it's definitely a huge life change to face. And for the past half a year, it seems my entire person keeps changing around. At first, I thought I was just a late bloomer to figure out who I am. Fortunately, Tatum's book "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" offers welcome comfort about the process of defining an identity. According to Tatum, the process of defining one's identity goes through multiple phases. Sometimes, people go through these phases multiple times throughout their lives.

One of the aspects of identity that many come into contact with is that of race. I never really thought about my race. Part of that is because of the way I grew up.

Growing up, my dad's side of the family never really got together or talked about anything serious when they did, so I won't talk about them much. My mother's mother's side of the family was about as racist as they come without actually shooting colored people. They threw around the "n-word" like it was nothing and could tell racist jokes all day long. That was until one of my cousins married a black man. I'm not sure if they started being afraid to say anything racist or if they suddenly became aware of how wrong many of their stereotypes were.

Now, my mother's father's side of the family was the opposite. One of my favorite stories is about my great-grandfather, who founded a church in Concord, NC. When he opened the church, a man offered him a lot of money to turn black people away from the church. He refused. So, growing up in that church until I was about 17 years old meant I was around both black and white people all the time. While I might have seen color, it was more a matter of thinking that it was cool that people had different skin tones. After all, if everyone looked the same, people would be boring to look at.

I did wonder in high school why there weren't many colored teenagers. Part of that was the fact that not many colored people lived within my school district. Most of them lived out in Spencer, NC, which was what I knew as "the bad part of town." Looking back, I didn't know why it was bad. I knew that there were some "bad" people out that way, but never really connected it with race. I'm sure if I knew more about housing prices, I could see that it was cheaper to live out there.

 It wasn't until I started my first "real" job in fast food that I actually thought about being white. One night, I was the only white worker in the store. The rest were black. They were all people I had worked with for many weeks at this point, so I felt comfortable around them. One man came up to me, though, and said  something along the lines of, "How does it feel being the only white person here? Now you know how we feel." It was the first time I had felt awkward about my whiteness. I didn't say much the rest of my shift. The people I had been perfectly comfortable with turned into people that I didn't know how to act around because my whiteness had been thrown in my face.

This week was the first time I'd thought about my race identity. I continue still to not think about it as often as I think about, say, my religious identity or my age identity or even how I fit into my family and coworkers. I must say, I feel I have a long way to go before I figure myself out - not to mention before I figure out how my upbringing reflects on how I view the world and start to tweak it if need be.